Is this what being best (or close) friends implies? I don’t have all that much experience in that sense compared to lots of people, but I expected there to be more than this. Or is it that you’ve decided sometime that we won’t even be close friends, we’ll just be “friends”? So, just putting arbitrary numbers to it just for a more visual explanation (these numbers aren’t meant to and don’t reflect actuality, just putting something tangible in place of abstractness) let’s say the amount of [effort you show for our friendship]* is 5. I expected us to at least remain very close friends, and thought you would put in 8. You didn’t, so I lowered my expectations to 7, thinking, “oh she should be able to put in this much. I’m sure there wouldn’t be a problem.” seems this is what’s been repeating itself in my thoughts lately. I keep lowering my expectations and they are still yet to be met. It’s tiring. It really is. I’m stretched out so thin… And all I ask for is a piece of tangible hope cause your words telling me “we’ll definitely stay friends, Joshua Kim” feels so empty and abstract, cause there is no CLEARLY visible substance in your actions (which is what I need from you right now). Yea, you still talk to me. Is that it? Is that all you can offer me? Cold, neutral conversations? Because of the series of events and experiences we had together, what would be neutral in an absolute perspective is hurting me as a negative in relative light. You said we’re both not understanding each other. What am I not understanding? I want to understand, please explain it to me.. So I can do something about this retarded situation…

*for lack of a better phrase at the moment

I thought I was more or less ok now, but I find myself missing her more and more.

On the bright side, I can feel myself making progress toward the top. I’ll be out soon, world. Screw you ;A;.

Feeling more lost than last post. Can’t tell if I’m overthinking things or if life really does suck in most aspects at the moment.

Feeling super lost. The three foundational supports/safety nets in my life have been shaken up pretty bad. Need to find myself again, but I don’t know where to start.